Todd Nolan

What will you spend your $25 on? I’m not quite sure, but it may very well be related to sexy, naked asian girls (animated or otherwise) or perhaps some good ole fashioned American ultra-violent monster gore clutter for my house. But then again, I do like cutesy wootsie bunnies as well. UGH…the pressures of a complementary retail commitment. Maybe I’ll just take 50 or so naked shots of my bum in your photo booth to hand out to all of my close, personal friends. My sphincter in very popular in Japan, you know.

How long have you been visiting TATE’S?
Actually I’ve never been to his house….however, Tate and Amanda did stop by mi casa at the drunken debauchery of a Winter Wonderland party that we annually throw to celebrate ice, cocktails, snow, witches’ tits, ex-girlfriends and all assorted cold things. They arrived first, left first and I love them both for it. (Editor’s Note: Todd said at a later interview that he believes he has been visiting TATE’S for 10 years!)

How old are you? I am as old as the atomic numerical value of Selenium…, take that, you Periodical Table of the Elements geeks!

How do you make a living? Tate’s dad gives me money.

If you could do ANYTHING, how would you make a living?
I’d be spreading the gospel of my little band of misfits, Trapped By Mormons to the masses of mindless, fat wallet zombies worldwide in standard, drunken rock star style…..raping the airwaves and providing a good ass shaking in the process.

Do you have any pets? What kind & what are their names?
My, oh my….where do I start?
I suppose I’ll begin with our pack of seven wild, semi-domesticated felines that purr, snuggle, scar, scratch, piss, and love their way into the hearts and home of my girlfriend, Carrie and I.
1. & 2. The Twins: Satan (aka Sate) and Angel (aka Angel Bunny or just plain Bunny)
3. Cheese (aka Cheeser, Scraps and Gramps)
4. Lily (aka Lily-Bell) On a side note, she is equipped with the super-dooper-pooper power of giving off a skunk like farty smell when antagonized by exclusively me.
5. Orange Kitty (aka Boots or Garnier Nutrisse)
6. The Fuzz Master 6000 (aka Fluff or just plain Fuzz)
7. Jinx (aka Jinkies or Jinxifer)
Then, there is our fine, furry extended family of rabid-free raccoons that nap on the back porch, dine on our deliciously discounted dog food, and provide sacrificial offerings of toys, rocks and other assorted archeological finds that they have chosen to dig up and trade for our fine hospitality. Their names vary from time to time, but there have many named Momma(for the obvious reason) and one little feisty fellow with a broken foot that dons the honorary title of Gimpy. They have been known on occasion to hang with a posse of pink nosed possums that shall remain anonymous for obvious reasons and of course, there is our daily flock of white tailed doves that all basically look the same, except for the poor birdy that Jinx rearranged into a box of McDonalds 6 piece Dove-nuggets. Oh, and we also used to have a few other “Friends,” until our landlord had our house circus tented for a final center ring performance of anything donning antennas.

Do you have any tattoos? What are they of?
I’ve had my entire body freckled, just to be edgy and give props to my Irish heritage.

What was you favorite toy as a child? — Now?
I really enjoyed my Evel Knievel Stunt Cycle, my Planet of the Apes figures, the 2XL Robot with a built in 8-track player(I still have that puppy, but now it likes to broadcast only Santeria Ritual music and the Grease soundtrack, instead of asking me cheesy questions about Charles Nelson Reilly. Not that there is anything bad with my favorite Match Game PM celebrity guest by any means.) I also had an interest in ventriloquism at the time, and was known on several family functions to bust out my Mortimer Snerd doll (Which, by the way I still have the severed head of. You see, I cut Mr. Snerd’s head off, when I reached the tender, sensitive age of believing that having just the head of a doll was far less gay than owning the whole doll.) Then of course, there was my massive collection of board games…..MAD, Battleship, Easy Money,the King Kong Game, Mousetrap, Candyland and well, who can remember the whole slew of other dice throwing adventures. I am after all, as old as Selenium.

Today, I own a lot of the same toys…except I ended up paying a lot more than the 25 cents selling price that I received for them at one of our many family garage sales. What a 10 year old snotty kid won’t do for cold hard cash is beyond me. Just ask my pimp.

What is your most bizarre childhood memory?
Well, there was the Great Frog Massacre of 1982. It all began when a really bad storm rolled into South Florida flooding all the neighborhoods to about the waist of a 12 year old child. It started out quite innocently of course…we rowed down our suburban streets of Margate in rafts constructed of kiddy pools and contracted some bad cases of ring-worm from all the backed up sewage. But, once the water cleared…a swarm of baby frogs arrived in biblical proportions. They were everywhere….and we, as mischievous, gifted school students made it our sworn to duty to extinguish the hoppy little Kermies by any, albeit creative means possible. We would tack them to the teachers’ bulletin boards by their tiny little webbed feet, we loaded up the electric typewriters with handfuls of froggers and began to practice our speed typing techniques, we would throw them in the ceramic kilns for explosive popping action, and we would drop them into jugs of Tempura paint and let them creatively hop across our construction paper until the paint began to dry making them a permanent part of the exhibition. Granted, it was cruel, but I believe I was doing God’s will….or it may have been the Devil’s, but I always get those two buggers confused.

What is the one thing that irritates you the most?
Back-woods, closed minded, bible-belt stupidity pretty much covers it all…you know, everything from pro-life extremists to gun toting Charlton Heston followers. You might as well throw in the Bush Family, the KKK (oh, I’m sorry…was I just redundant then?), nearly every sporting event out there except boxing(because after all, there is nothing wrong with just beating the crap out of someone for money…hell, even the loser gets paid well), all forms of edible meat other than human, and reality television(other than “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy,” and “The Osbournes.” Mark my words Kelly, you will be mine.)

What is your favorite smell? I am highly addicted to the scents of Dancing Goats Coffee, Nippon Kodo Incense, Aveda Love Oil, Stevie Nicks, and my stinky, pheromone ridden leather watch band that rarely leaves my sweaty wrist.

What do you collect? First and foremost…a lot of dust. Other than that, I’m into Simpsons toys, lowbrow and retro Keane-like art, tiki junk, Planet of the Apes and other assorted monkeys, especially those wearing fez’s, Freemason related relics, anything with a devil or hot retro chickadee on it, a helluva lot of music, weirdly themed watches, Nightmare Before Christmas stuff, and lots of other kitschy crap that you just can’t find as much of in thrift stores anymore thanks to the all powerful Ebay.

What are some of your hobbies? I really enjoy wasting time…in fact, I consider myself a connoisseur of bad time management. But, when I am feeling a tad frisky, I spend a lot of time playing with and promoting my band, Trapped By Mormons. Being the resident singer/screamer/front-man, I am in charge of writing all of the demented shambles of ramblings that accompany my fine feathered bastards of rock. Can you consider damaging the eardrums of those around you, a hobby? It should at least be an Olympic sport. I also dabble in the arts a bit….making a mockery of things such as religion, prostitution, masonry, feces and general drug abuse. All of which, I fully support.

Favorite Comics? I really dig “Johnny the Homicidal Maniac,” “Tank Girl,” and “The Bondage Fairies.” But my world truly revolves around the beautifully grotesque Junko Mizuno drawings. Anytime you can hit me with a Beauty and the Beast combo…I’ll fall for it. Cuz, nuttin’ beats sex and gore.

Favorite Cartoon/Anime? I really wish I had a better knowledge of anime, especially the perverted Hentai flix… because it sure beats the hell out of most of our Saturday Morning dribble… I do however still pray at the altar of Springfield and I muster up a few chuckles and guffaws to Spongebob Squarepants, the Fairly Odd Parents, Space Ghost Coast to Coast, South Park and the Oblongs. And my heart and brain still bleed for the original Ren and Stimpy and Beavis and Butthead. Don’t yours?

Favorite Movie? You’re kidding right? Well, there never could be just one, so I’ll ramble off a few…..Fight Club, Nightmare Before Christmas, Amelie, The Jerk, Young Frankenstein, North By Northwest, Butterflies are Free, Love and a 45, almost any Coen Brothers, Quentin Tarantino, Tim Burton, John Waters or Terry Gilliam flick, the original Planet of the Apes movies(minus the last one), Drugstore Cowboy, Lolita, Breakfast at Tiffany’s, any Peter Sellers movie, Dead Alive, Evil Dead 1+2, Hellraiser 1+2, the Shining, Crumb, Eraserhead, sexploitation and blaxploitation movies galore….should I stop now? This could go on for hours.

What is your favorite Bumper Sticker? On my very first car, I really liked the one that said, “You Deserve to Go to Hell.” In fact, once I got pulled over by some redneck female cop in Davie saying that I could not display profanity on my car in public and after a lengthy discussion on how “Hell” is not a curse word, but a rather popular destination, she let me on my way… but with a WARNING no less. Nowadays, I’m into Kozik, Shag and Freemason decals… they’re classy, artsy fartsy and look damn good in busy traffic.

What is your favorite T-Shirt? I recently misplaced one of my favorite t-shirts….it had the classic photo of Johnny Cash shooting the bird. He was so punk rock. Other than that, I make a lot of my own shirts…like one that says, “Moustache Rides-only 5 cents” or “Mormons Make Better Lovers.” Today, I had on my “Thank God I’m Black Below the Belt” one. I also would not maniacally shake a stick at my t-shirts for Sun Records, Melt Banana, the Melvins, the Clermont Lounge or Tim Biskup. But let me be the first to say, white shirts suck.

What is your dream car? Right now, I really want a Mini Cooper with the classic Fast Times at Ridgemont High Spicoli checkered Vans paintjob on the roof. But, any decent running muscle car could make this South Florida raised boy throw a stony eyed gaze to the ladies any day of the week. Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeet..

What superpowers do you wish you possessed? Without a doubt, I’d pick omnipotence….I wish to be all knowing and all seeing…..hell, I’d even drop the “To” in my name and trade it in for the big “G.” Why shoot for the piddly stuff like laser shooting eyes or invisibility, when you can have the whole kit and kaboodle.

If you could banish anyone into the sun, who would it be? I’d have to pick the guy who invented flame-retardant suits… because, out of anyone, I’m pretty sure he could handle it. Besides, there are worse places to banish people to… take New Jersey for example.

What Character on The Simpsons do you identify most with? I am Krusty the Clown to a honkin’ “T”…. a joker, a smoker and a midnight toker. But, I don’t have to be Jewish, do I? That whole fasting thing just ain’t up my clown-car alley.

Most treasured possession? I recently went up to Hendersonville, Tennessee and while I was there, I visited the newly dug grave of Mister Johnny Cash and his wife June… and not to disrespect my idol or his family by any means, but I took a small clump of orange clayand grass that laid close to where Johnny’s head would be. Although I saw him and June perform twice in my life, this was the closest that I could every be to JR and it meant the world to me… it always will.

Do you have a homepage?

List your favorite websites: I’ve got a ton of great LINKS on our band’s site that are definitely worth checking out… it’s got a lot of local bands and artist friends of ours that deserve your undivided attention and whole-hearted support. Just because we’re local now, doesn’t me we’ll always be that lowly and approachable, so its truly up to you to make us rich, famous and obnoxiously snooty. Besides, aren’t you sick of us stinking up your town yet?

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